


Shake It Off

by TurquoiseTerrier



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Anxiety, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 20:51:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9624878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TurquoiseTerrier/pseuds/TurquoiseTerrier
Summary: Robert has an encounter late at night. He tries to deal with it. It doesn't go so well.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So... I didn't exactly sit down intending to write this, but this happened so... what the hell.
> 
> I have no idea where this came from, if it even makes any sense or if it's a bit crap (I haven't written anything properly for a while, not for lack of trying), so please let me know what you think, comments are inspiring and lovely and much appreciated. :)
> 
> Warning for anxiety type incidents, and non-con (hey, at least it's Robert's turn this time...) I can write other things... I think.

It's gone eleven when he finally manages to escape the haulage clients. Nicola had palmed the late meeting off on him, making an excuse about having to put the kids to bed. He'd tried to argue, tried to tell her that Jimmy was perfectly capable of putting the kids to bed for one night and why should he go to the meeting, she'd been handling the clients herself but Aaron, sitting at his own desk in the porta-cabin surrounded by paperwork, had given him that look and he'd given in.

He's never been able to say no to Aaron.

The whole thing had been an uncomfortable experience from beginning to end. The husband and wife clients had spent most of the night all over each other, making him feel oddly uncomfortable. Him and Aaron might be married now, but he knew they would never be that... affectionate in public. He'd half expected the owner of the bar to call the police for public indecency at one point.

That wasn't the only thing. He'd had an admirer, too.

A tall blond bloke sitting at the bar all night, watching him. Subtly, the odd glance while he wasn't looking, but enough to make him feel uneasy.

Still, he's out of there now.

A little tipsy, though. He's been careful, keeping to only a couple of drinks, but it's enough to lower his defences just a little bit.

He's dragged sideways across the pavement and into the alleyway behind the bar almost before he can blink.

Pinned against the wall.

Blinking rapidly, trying to focus, he realises it's the bloke from the bar, who is a lot taller and broader than he had first appeared.

Pinned between hard muscle and stone wall, he stills.

Asks what the man wants.

Protests, loudly. Tells the man he's married, tells him to leave him alone, to let him go.

A brief moment of hope when a passer by stops at the end of the alleyway, asks if everything is alright.

Opens his mouth, safety seconds away but is halted by cold steel against his side. He glances at the blond, sees the threat in his gaze alongside the blatant lust and instead smiles at the passer by, reassures him, and they're left alone again.

He turns his head slowly back towards the taller man, glances at the weapon against his side.

Swallows hard. Asks what he has to do. Closes his eyes tightly, doesn't try to fight.

Drops to his knees.

*

Afterwards, he throws up all over the pavement. He's alone, the only noise a distant police siren.

He breathes slowly, spits, straightens up. Brushes at the knees of his jeans with his palms. Runs his fingers through his messed up hair.

Makes his way to the taxi rank down the street.

Hopes everyone will be asleep when he gets back to the pub, that he'll be able to clean himself up quietly.

Aaron can't know. Aaron can never know what he's just done.

*

He's lucky; it's late enough when he makes it to the back door of The Woolpack that everyone is in bed. He told Aaron not to wait up for him, knows full well that the younger man might have ignored him, but on this occasion it seems like Aaron has listened.

He tiptoes lightly up the stairs, across the landing and peeks around the ajar door to his and Aaron's room.

Aaron's curled up in bed, fast asleep.

Sighing in relief, he turns, heads to the bathroom. Strips, shoves his clothes into the hamper in the corner and turns the shower up as hot as he can stand it.

Gets in.

Turns it higher.

Washes quickly, methodically, skin glowing.

Dries himself roughly, brushes his teeth until his gums bleed. Uses far more mouthwash than is reasonable, trying to get his mouth clean.

He still feels dirty.

Guilty.

Skin crawling, he heads downstairs, sleeps on the sofa.

*

The morning after, Aaron questions him. He fobs him off, says he didn't want to wake him.

Aaron believes him, goes to sort Liv out.

The guilt niggles away.

*

The first time he and Aaron have sex, after, Aaron tries to push his head down, towards his crotch. He heads south, willingly but finds he can't. He stops, distracts Aaron with first kisses, then his fingers.

Promises himself it will get better. He just has to give it some time.

*

The only problem is, no matter how many times he brushes his teeth, no matter how many times he uses mouthwash he doesn't feel clean.

He brushes his teeth more. Gargles mouthwash every chance he gets.

It's still not enough, he knows he shouldn't, but he can't stop.

*

It's just over a week later, when Chas makes a comment on the amount of mouthwash they're going through that he realises he needs to be more careful.

She's eyeing Aaron and Liv across the breakfast table. The two of them haven't got a clue what she's talking about, and their confused denials make him uncomfortable.

He stops using the bottle in the bathroom.

Buys three new ones.

One for his bedside table, one for the drawer in his desk at the cabin and the third ends up in the boot of his car.

He feels happier, knowing he's never too far away from it.

Guilt buried under a torrent of minty freshness.

*

Aaron is becoming suspicious at his lack of interest in anything that involves him putting his mouth on Aaron's dick and he knows he needs to figure out what the problem is and fast.

He's running out of distractions, and Aaron's going to end up asking him straight up, he knows it.

*

A few more days pass. He starts avoiding coffee; the heat on his sore gums making it almost impossible to drink without wincing.

Aaron gives him a funny look when he declines Adam's offer for a coffee run.

He says he's trying to cut down, be healthier. Aaron raises his eyebrows, and he smiles.

Hopes Aaron buys it.

Hopes Aaron didn't notice the redness next to his gleaming clean teeth.

*

He's having to avoid cold foods now too; everything has to be lukewarm or room temperature, otherwise it's impossible to eat.

Aaron's getting more and more suspicious, he knows.

Aaron's going to start demanding answers, he knows that too.

Aaron's not going to let things lie for too long, he knows this as well.

He just hopes it takes a few more days before Aaron finally loses his patience.

Wants these last few days of happiness before everything falls apart.

Before his marriage falls to pieces.

Before Aaron can't stand the sight of him.

The guilt is a angry open wound now, he knows he only has so long before it turns septic.

*

The mouthwash is starting to hurt more and more. He knows he needs to stop, but every time he tries a nagging voice in his head starts.

He can only stand it for so long, tapping his foot, gnawing on the corner of his lip before he gives in, reaches for the bottle.

He doesn't feel any cleaner afterwards, but he feels calmer.

The guilt doesn't feel so all-consuming then.

*

It's less than two days before Aaron corners him in their bedroom. He tries to sidestep out of the way, invents a meeting but Aaron knows he's lying, has checked with Nicola, knows he's got nothing to do today.

Beaten, he trails his feet across the room, sits on the edge of their bed.

Aaron's bed, he corrects himself. 

It wasn't going to be theirs much longer.

Rests his elbows on his knees, chin in his hands. Aaron closes the door, looks him in the face. Asks him what's wrong.

He doesn't want to say. Doesn't want to send his carefully balanced house of cards toppling. Aaron stares him down. He swallows, twists his wedding ring on his finger.

He doesn't know where to start.

Aaron starts getting annoyed, tells him he needs to speak. Tells him he's been acting oddly for weeks and he's worried.

He glances up again, sees Aaron's face.

His resolve fails. He's struggled to lie to Aaron. Part of his brain screams at him to say nothing, to lie, anything other than the one thing that he knows, deep down inside himself, the one thing that will destroy him and Aaron too. He wants to say the thing that will cause the least amount of damage, tries to send that signal to his mouth.

It doesn't work.

“I cheated on you.”

Not the words he'd intended to say, not at all.

Didn't mean it wasn't the truth, in his mind.

*

He watches Aaron's reaction. Time seems to slow as he sees the whirl of emotions cross the younger mans features.

Shock.

Surprise.

Anger.

More anger.

Frustration.

Then, finally, resignation.

That hurt the most. It was almost as if Aaron had been expecting it, had been anticipating that one day, in the true Robert Sugden way, he would screw up and cheat.

It's what he's done with every past relationship, right? Why would this one be any different?

He looks toward the floor in shame, expecting Aaron to start yelling, or to storm out of the room.

To his surprise, the younger man does neither of those things.

Instead, Aaron sits down next to him on the bed. Pulls the sleeves of his jumper over his hands, like he does when he feels upset.

He hates himself even more.

Aaron calmly asks what happened. Wants to know when. Wants to know why.

Aaron thought they were happy. He did too.

He always did, right before he screwed it all up. Each and every time. Always his fault.

Why would this time be any different?

He stays quiet, moves his mouth and winces. Aaron frowns, reaches out gently.

He'd brushed his teeth just before Aaron had confronted him, doesn't flinch when the younger man lifts his lip gently and furrows his brows at the state of his gums.

Aaron asks a second time, what happened, why did he cheat. Why was his mouth in the state it was in?

Aaron wants answers, and he can't deny the younger man them any longer. He loves him too much to keep lying. The wound, the guilt... it's turning into poison inside and he knows that even know Aaron will never want to talk to him again, touch him again, speak to him ever again, he has to tell the truth. Aaron deserves that much. Aaron deserves the world, and Robert had wanted to give him that.

Bracing himself, he opens his mouth.

*

It spills easily, in the end. Once he starts he can't stop.

The guy at the bar, the alleyway, the passer by, the knife to his side, it all tumbles out.

Not arguing, dropping to his knees and doing what he was told without fighting back. That all comes out too.

*

When he comes back to himself, he's resting sideways against Aaron's chest.

Strong arms are wrapped around him, Aaron's cheek pressed to the top of his damp head.

His face is wet too. He doesn't know why.

Doesn't know why Aaron is holding him, why he hasn't thrown him out onto the streets yet.

He finds his voice, offers to leave. When the younger man asks why, he reminds him that he cheated.

Aaron makes an odd noise and tightens his grip.

His hair gets a little wetter.

He apologises. Asks for forgiveness.

Aaron sniffs, presses a kiss to his hair.

“You don't need to apologise Robert. It wasn't your fault.” Aaron tells him.

He doesn't understand. Pulls away, looks at Aaron in confusion.

“But... I cheated on you. I didn't fight, I just...” He slows, frowns. His face dampens more. “I did what he wanted, it's my fault.”

Aaron smiles at him sadly, eyes red. Shushes him gently. “It wasn't your fault, I promise. You believe me, don't you?” Aaron peers into his eyes, asking for his trust. “We're going to sort all of this out, I promise.”

“But...”

“This wasn't your fault Robert. I'm right here, not going anywhere. You and me, messed up forever, remember?”

Robert nods. He's always trusted Aaron, he knows that. So he knows he can trust the younger man when Aaron tells him he didn't cheat, that it wasn't his fault, that they aren't over and he's not going anywhere.

Leaning back against Aaron's chest, for the first time in weeks, Robert lets himself believe.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr! [TurquoiseTerrier](http://turquoiseterrier.tumblr.com) Come say hello! :)


End file.
